I know most of you assume that Super Heros pretty much just get to where they are going in the world instantly. Want to be in Brussels? Bam. You’re in Brussels. Vermont? Zap. Enjoy the pancakes. Sweden…, just a fermented fish away.
The reality is that very few of us can fly or teleport ourselves anywhere, especially across an ocean. And since we don’t make any money at this, the travel is usually through discount airlines and freight consolidators. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve traveled as cargo. So, I have recently been dealing with Time Zone. He’s a rather silly bad guy, but a bad guy all the same. His schtick is that he always commits his crimes at 3:33AM in a specific time zone on the planet. Rather than, say, always commit his nefarious deeds along the East Coast at 3:33AM, he moves along each time zone committing crimes every hour for 24 hours or 24 days, depending on which direction he travels. But once he gets going you know it’s gonna be a day or month of wandering the planet figuring out his current crime spree “theme”. Once it was robbing bank vaults that were secured with timers. Another time it was kidnapping a famous celebrity or leader until he could ransom 24 of the worlds most notable people.
Anyway, he’s at it again. Usually one just has to wait to see which direction he is traveling and then start trying to figure out the “theme” to his current crime spree. Once you figure it out, you just get ahead of him and wait to spring the trap at the next location. Sometimes it is easy to figure out (there is only one bank safe in Kiribati) and other times it’s a race around the world.
So I find myself needing to get to the US on short notice. Unfortunately, the Airlines know they have you by the short-hairs. Damn if I can find a flight for less than $2,800. I know that if I did this 2 weeks ago I could get something around $1,500. You’d think that there would be some kind of Super Hero discount or something. At least an upgrade from coach. But no. Super Hero money is no better than that of a mere citizen. Anyway, I got my ticket and headed off to the airport. Of course the only flight that gets me to where I need to go isn’t one that I have a frequent flyer card with. In fact, I have like 15 frequent flyer cards and I rarely, if ever, fly the same airline more than once a year. I don’t know why I bother.
AmazeMan was nice enough to give me a ride to the terminal – although I had to endure all the wise cracks that we were now an “item”. I didn’t need to check any luggage, but I headed off to the check-in counter to see if I could at least get seated in Economy Plus. They have that extra leg room, which is nice. No luck. In fact, I ended up in what best can be described as “steerage”. It was the aisle seat next to the galley and the lavatory. Not only was it impossible to not get my elbows slammed every frickin’ time the drink cart went by, I had to listen to the symphony of flushes every 3 minutes. Sure it doesn’t hurt me to get whacked by an aluminum aisle cart, but it’s harder than you think to get tomato juice out of a super suit. And how can they not have iced tea on a trans-oceanic flight? I mean it’s just tea and ice, right? Needless to say, I didn’t get any sleep. And if you think it’s annoying having to talk to some sap sitting next to you for 19 hours straight, just try it when you are wearing tights. If I hear “Who would win a fight between Batman and Superman?” or “Do you wear boxers or briefs under that suit?” one more time I’m gonna snap a neck. For the record, I go commando – but that’s another story.
And I know everyone who has ever traveled complains about the food in flight, but honestly, scrambled eggs should not have a distinctly “fishy” taste. That’s just wrong, man.
Now, being a citizen of the world means I’m not a citizen of the US. And due to this stupid Homeland (or should I say Motherland?) Security thing, I, along with 500 hundred other people, had to wait in line to get my finger printed. If you’ve ever had to go the bathroom wearing a body suit you’ll have some idea of the inconvenience that presents. Most people think I’m wearing gloves with this suit. Gloves fall off – especially at the worst time possible. No, these gloves are attached to the suit. So, if I need to present a finger for “security” reasons, that means the top of the suit comes off. To be fair, they allow me to do this in a separate room, but what a royal pain in the ass it is to get in and out of that thing. “Form fitting” and “easily removed” are definitely mutually exclusive.
But after getting through customs and unfortunately having to prove that I wasn’t carrying anything undeclared in my codpiece, I was off. I met up with Sonic, who was nice enough to pick me up at the departure gate. After enduring more wise cracks about us being an “item” now, we found ourselves at the National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) laboratory in Boulder, Colorado, where the NIST-F1 was located. This was the ultra-accurate atomic clock used as the source for the nations time. We had pieced together a scheme that Time Zone was going to alter the definition for “time”. He would presumably try to alter the standard for the second by messing with the cesium clock. This would cause havoc around the country, affecting air travel, banking, and GPS signals at the least. He had to be stopped and we were ready for him!
More to follow…