So it begins…

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on January 1, 2005
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Seems I’ve misplaced my cape again.

Gamma Girl says I should get one of those gizmos from Sharper Image that you attach to your keys and whistles when you push a button on the base station. Anesthesia said I wasn’t about to buy a gizmo, as I had a perfectly good Super Lab in the Hero Cave. Sometimes she can be such a nudzh. Like I know how to make a key whistle. I studied nuclear physics for Pete’s sake! If it doesn’t have a pulse generator on it, it might as well be a fish tank – and I don’t think I need to remind anyone of that fiasco. The Wonder Dog certainly likes Jell-O as a treat, so should fish, right!?

Anyway, I feel like a total dork without the cape. It’s not that I technically need it, but I’m not the young super hero I once was – no, I’m not – and the caboose is getting a little thick. It takes just one photographer getting a shot of me saving the city from Dr. Fiend with my big ass showing and there come all the J-Lo jokes. We super heros don’t get into this biz because we have tons of self esteem, let me tell you. And whoever came up with this profession wearing nothing but tights, never had to deal with the hairs on your leg poking though your uniform. Man it itches. (OK, I think AmazeMan was reading that last bit over my shoulder and my super hearing definitely heard something like “wuss”. Hey, I’m not the one who up sized his codpiece)

Oh, and FYI: Don’t think that you can have “just a few” drinks and be able to stop a derailing train without it giving you a splitting headache. All that screeching and crashing…, which reminds me that I need to put more advil in the utility belt. I swear, next New Year’s I’m off the sauce. Which I might also suggest for a certain gal who decided flashing open her breast-plate was a good way to ring in the new year (you know who you are).

Well, there goes the Super Signal, off to save mankind!

You’d be mad too

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on January 5, 2005
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OK, AmazeMan is giving me tons of crap about this and I really don’t think I am being unreasonable.

So the other night we have to go to the reservoir because it looks like someone might have planted a Bio-Bomb on the little island in the middle. AmazeMan and I were at his lair playing Pachinko when we got the call.

Now a little back story: Last Fall when we were chasing the Creeper through the city to keep him from setting up his “Quake-A-Matron”, one of the buildings collapsed and did some major damage to the Justice Mobile (and I had just gotten it washed). So, it’s been in the shop getting fixed and having a whole bunch of doo-dads added. Anyway, I finally got it back and it looks great. I mean really great. New paint job, thrusters out the wazoo, and even one of those rainbow mirror windscreens. I drove it over to AmazeMan’s place to show him, take in a few games of Pachinko, and basically have a guys night out.

So, we get the call and he’s like “We should take your car, as I need to fill the tank in mine”. I’m like “Dude, you’re blocking me in! We’ll have to move your car to get mine out. It’s only 5 minutes away, for Pete’s sake!” And he’s all “Blah Blah Blah”…, Long story short, we end up taking the Justice Mobile. Of course we arrive just in the nick of time (had to park in the visitors lot ’cause all the spaces were full near the front) and save the day. We get back to the Justice Mobile and some jerk in a Gremlin has put a huge ass ding in the passenger side door. OK, first I want to know what the hell they were making Gremlins out of that could allow them to dent the Justice Mobile, and second, how hard is it to take 2 seconds to make sure you don’t throw your door open into the one next to you!? And there were like 8 empty spaces. Why take the one next to the Justice Mobile? Oh the humanity.And what’s the deal with the name “Justice Mobile”? Christ on a cracker, can’t they come up with something a little more sexy than that? What are my union dues paying for anyway?

I’m getting a Mac

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on January 12, 2005
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OK, so this new Mac Mini thing is great. I mean it is sweet and sexy and just awesome. I gotta get one. You know, crime fighters have a whole lot on their plates to be futzing around with spyware and viruses and such, and as evil empires go, Microsoft is just on this side of a bald head and cat. Of course technically all of us use and support open source software (the Justice Mobile runs Slackware, actually), but Linux just ain’t sexy. Sorry, but if you wanted to look good for the prom, you didn’t take advice from the chess club, know what I mean?So I’m thinking of switching everything over to OS X and Apple hardware. Plus, how bad would it look to defeat Dr. Fiend and then everyone finds out it’s him with the iPod, not me. How embarrassing would that be?

Oh, and remember kids, don’t steal music.

Everyone’s a comedian

Published
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on January 15, 2005
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So I’m at one of our many Super Hero meetings and I bee-line it to the smorgasbord ’cause I haven’t eaten since outrunning that lava flow. Anyway, Thor is there. I like Thor, always pleasant, brings his own equipment to the softball games, actually smells good for a Super Hero. Anyway, he really can scarf down a lot of food in an amazingly short amount of time. So I figured I’d better get in there before he clears the plate.

So, I’m like “Hey, Thor. How’s it hangin’?”

“Good, very good”, of course with his thick accent it sounds a lot more like “Goot, fairy goot”. Gotta love that guy.

“So, Thor, meet any nice ladies recently?” Thor was always trying to get some action, although to be fair he was always a gentleman about it.

“Ah, as a matter of fact I met a very wonderful woman. But, you know I don’t like to talk out of class”, Right. He’s the biggest braggart I know.

“I actually met her at one of your ‘Singles Bars’”.

“What the hell are you going to bars for? You could get anyone you want, anywhere you want”.

“True”, says Thor, “but sometimes I don’t want to deal with all the hero stuff, so I put on regular clothes and meet women at the disco”.

“It’s called a ‘club’ now”.

“Ah, of course, ‘club’. Anyway, I met a very attractive woman at the bar. I didn’t even get a chance to introduce myself when she just grabbed my hand and took me to her place.”

“You are shitting me!”

“No, this is a true statement”.

“So what happened next?” I can’t believe this guy’s luck. Now I don’t have any problem with the ladies, but this guy!

“Well, we immediately started to make the love and this went on for many hours.”

“…”

“Yes, well, after about 5 hours she left me to go to the bathroom and I started to feel uncomfortable”.

“Umm, I bet”.

“No, you see, I never had a chance to even ask her name. We had yet to speak even one word to each other”.

“Well that’s a little awkward”.

“You betcha’. So I was lying there thinking that I should tell her that I am a super hero – as she must be very concerned about how long we have been making the love”.

“So, what did you say to her?”

“I waited for her to come back from the bathroom and then I just told her the truth”

“What truth?”

“That I was Thor”.

“And what did she say?”

“She said, ‘You’re thore?, I’m tho thore I can hardly pith’”.

Taco Loco

Published
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on January 18, 2005
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So AmazeMan and I went out for Tex-Mex the other night. Now being a super hero, we can stand some pretty spicy food. It’s kinda fun to go in and eat habaneros like they were cherry tomatoes – gives the locals a treat. Well, what you might not realize is that super ability to eat spicy food does not equal super intestinal fortitude. We were repeating like howitzers all night. And let me tell you, the sound could bring down the great wall of china and the smell…, well, let’s just say “bio-hazard” and leave it at that.

To say that we are banned from Tippy’s Tex-Mex is putting it nicely.